Q: I’ve had a friend since high school, for way over 10 years now. I used to think we’d be friends forever, but after she returned from college, she changed. She puts me down for not partying with her, makes fun of my fast food job, but still wants to hang out two or three times a week. I don’t always feel like babysitting her kid while she does fun things. I want to be a good Christian friend, but I don’t think I’m really helping her and I dread her phone calls.

I doubt it will be easy for you to extract yourself from this non-friendship. It’s time to re-evaluate what you value in a relationship/ friendship. You’ve grown up. The next step in growing up involves taking responsibility for how and with whom you choose to spend your limited time and energy.

Ask yourself serious questions about what you value in your relationships? My personal list of “must haves” for close friendships include similar interests and values, honesty, acceptance, kindness, caring, respect, humor and loyalty. History and longevity of relationship are not reliable indicators for healthy friendship. Maintaining a friendship should not require the tolerance of abusive, hurtful, demeaning, demanding or rude attitudes. Friends don’t disrespect you, your mate, your home, your personhood or your values. 

Communicate your disappointment, hurt and future limits to your availability. If you consistently initiate phone calls and arrange outings, you may express your desire that they take some responsibility for carrying half of the relationship.