Q: I’ve had a friend since high school, for way over 10 years now. I used to think we’d be friends forever, but after she returned from college, she changed. She puts me down for not partying with her, makes fun of my fast food job, but still wants to hang out two or three times a week. I don’t always feel like babysitting her kid while she does fun things. I want to be a good Christian friend, but I don’t think I’m really helping her and I dread her phone calls.

I doubt it will be easy for you to extract yourself from this non-friendship. It’s time to re-evaluate what you value in a relationship/ friendship. You’ve grown up. The next step in growing up involves taking responsibility for how and with whom you choose to spend your limited time and energy.

Ask yourself serious questions about what you value in your relationships? My personal list of “must haves” for close friendships include similar interests and values, honesty, acceptance, kindness, caring, respect, humor and loyalty. History and longevity of relationship are not reliable indicators for healthy friendship. Maintaining a friendship should not require the tolerance of abusive, hurtful, demeaning, demanding or rude attitudes. Friends don’t disrespect you, your mate, your home, your personhood or your values. 

Communicate your disappointment, hurt and future limits to your availability. If you consistently initiate phone calls and arrange outings, you may express your desire that they take some responsibility for carrying half of the relationship.

Friends who take advantage of you, expect you to babysit, borrow your tools, demand hunting privileges every weekend, assume that they’re entitled to special treatment, will require strict setting and enforcing healthy limits and boundaries. It may not be comfortable to say no or to disappoint them, but you will get your life back.

Regarding a “friend” who cajoles you to compromise your values or pressures you to break the law, you need to run far fast. Real friends want you to be your best.

Competitive people who are only happy when they’re winning and will cheat to win, are not capable of mutual edifying relationship. If a “friend” picks fights, provokes conflict, belittles or demeans you, move on.

People like you, who are trying to be nice Christians, often reward bad behavior by overlooking rude, thoughtless, belittling, even abusive behavior. Pain of the loss of your friendship might nudge them to examine their relationship skills.

Certainly friends won’t always see eye to eye.  Disagreement does not equal disrespect. But a consistent pattern of critical contempt, disparaging unkindness, or arrogant superiority qualifies as blatant disrespect and should not be rewarded with your presence or participation.

Develop a script where you maturely communicate your hurts and disappointments.

Decide what you will tolerate, accept or endure, then establish your limits and boundaries and consequences. You will quickly learn if they are willing to honor you and your friendship.

Ask God to help you develop healthy friendships for this season of your life.

(“Relationships” questions can be sent to Arla Ford, 3803 Vista Court, North Bend, OR 97459; or e-mail to the Fords at counsel@charter.net or by going to the Web site at www.craigandarla.com. Questions cannot be answered individually.)