The first clues were subtle. The 6-year-old couldn't focus in school. She refused to follow the rules.

She clung to her loved ones yet told them lies.

Everything was a battle, whether cleaning her room or telling her to go play.

"No matter what we said or how we said it, she would have a fit," said a guardian and spokeswoman for the family.

Relatives, teachers and other professionals chalked it up to the divorce.

But the problems grew. One day the child snuck off. She struck a family cat.

"It was insane. We were wracking our brains trying to figure out what was going on."

Finally, they discovered a family friend had been molesting the girl for more than a year.

"It was the last thing we expected to hear," the guardian said. "You find out this happens and literally you have a choice. Either you turn it in or you cope with it in the family. We just decided no, we absolutely cannot leave him out there to do it to somebody else."

Now, with the offender convicted and serving time, the guardian has decided to go public with her family's experience. A Coos County resident, she is keeping her identity secret to protect the child. She hopes her message can help bring more predators to justice.

Studies say child molesters control their victims through guilt, shame, fear and a semblance of love, making it exceedingly difficult for parents to discover their child is being victimized.

"People think you're going to know if this is happening to your kid. You think your kid is going to tell you," she said. "They might come and tell you everything else, but there are reasons they won't tell you this."

Unfair advantage

The 6-year-old was no match for the manipulations of an adult predator.

"They're afraid you aren't going to love them anymore, that you're not going to want them, that you won't believe them and ... they're going to lose (their) family," her guardian said. "There were a lot of those threats with her."

It's one of many reasons why fewer than 10 percent of child victims report sex abuse.

"Worse still, 52 percent of child molesters surveyed reported that when children did tell, they were able to Ôtalk the adults out of calling the police,'" says a pamphlet from the Beaverton-based Center for Behavioral Intervention. "After that, most molested more children."

That wasn't the case for the little girl and her family. They reported it right away. But they wish they had recognized the signs early on.

"The more you learn as you go through the process, the more things fall into place," she said. "We knew the basics. We didn't know it all, and we should have."

Aftermath of abuse

Sonia Amlin, a child advocate and prevention specialist for the Children's Advocacy Program in Coos Bay, said sometimes abused children won't noticeably change their behavior. However, if a child does share her story, a parent should say things like, "I believe you. I'm glad you told me. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault."

"What's important to remember is that the act itself isn't always a huge trauma to the kid. It's how the people around them react," Amlin said. "When the child sees relatives and family fighting or if the court process is really scary to them or they are not believed, it has more of an impact."

Molested children aren't the only victims in these cases. Their families' lives also are thrown into turmoil.

The family of the 6-year-old was plagued by guilt and fear after they reported the abuse. Were they terrible parents? Would the authorities and community blame them? Would they take away the little girl? And how would their child cope with sexual abuse?

Amlin said she works with victims' families to dispel these fears.

"They have a sense of guilt that they weren't able to protect their child," Amlin said. "That blame should completely fall on the perpetrator."

The 6-year-old and her family members received assistance from the program, law enforcement and the district attorney. She and her family are getting on with their lives.

"We were able to tell her that he was gone," her guardian said. Still, "this is something she is going to have to live with and deal with."

She urges people not to judge victims' families, because shame could discourage others from reporting abuse. Instead, they should educate themselves.

"I just think people are so stuck on thinking this isn't going to happen to my child," she said. "I was one of those parents until it happened to me."