Dear Grandparenting: Your column about kids drinking, driving and dying on New Year’s Eve made me pause to think about how many adults are oblivious to what their children and grandchildren are actually doing. Alcohol and drug treatment centers are full of young people who drank or did drugs for years before anybody ever noticed there was a problem.

There’s one surefire way to stop children from drinking and drugging and leading secret lives. You must stick your nose into their business at every turn. You know what they say: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” So when parents and grandparents and other guardians keep getting fooled, they have themselves to blame when their little darlings develop alcohol and drug problems. Don’t you agree? — Carlton Smith, Nashua, N.H.

Dear Carlton: As a rule of thumb, often yes, although we’ve seen vigilant, pro-active families whose youngsters have substance abuse issues, and more negligent families where everyone turns out fine. So there’s a certain randomness. Nothing comes guaranteed.

As more families trend toward everybody leading separate lives, it’s become easier for children to lead secret lives. Research consistently indicates an alarming disconnect between parental perceptions of their children’s drinking and drugging behavior, and the hidden underside of their children’s lives. We’ll take that as an invitation for more grandparents to step up and start sticking their noses into their grandchildren’s business!

Grand Remark

Angel from Piqua, Ohio was trying to instill some basic good manners in her grandson Henry, age 5. After practicing “please” and “thank you,” Angel decided to reward Henry with a piece of pie.

As the pie was being cut, she asked Henry “Now what do you say?”

“Hurry,” said Henry.

Dee and Tom, married more than 50 years, have eight grandchildren. They welcome questions, suggestions and Grand Remarks to P.O. Box 27454, Towson, MD, 21285.