Last week we discussed the diagnosis of attention deficit disorder in children. The parents of these special needs children need encouragement and support, along with concrete parenting skills. In some ways parenting requirements for these kids aren’t vastly different from the needs of children in general, all of whom need love, affection and security in addition to limits, boundaries and clear expectations. They need routines they can count on, predictable consequences, forgiveness for their mistakes and fresh opportunities to demonstrate new responses.

 Knowledge of realistic expectations seems vital for parents of children diagnosed with ADD toward the goal of reducing parental frustration or passivity that gives up trying.  These young ones definitely need clear, predictable structure with as little disorder and distraction as possible. Calm demeanors keep upheavals to a minimum. These kids require extreme vigilance, consistency and sensitivity. They need opportunities to learn, grow and change as they learn to manage and take responsibility for their own lives.

Because of distractibility, parents of kids with ADD may need to adjust their expectations downward in specific areas without giving up. For example, they may need to break the task of “clean your room” into shorter, doable tasks two at a time, like “stack your books and put away your pajamas.” Always get their undivided attention and eye contact when giving specific instructions. Ask the child to repeat the task request.

Attention deficit disorder isn’t correlated with lower intelligence.  These children need to be challenged to work to their potential. They may need intentional changes in their school and home environment to maximize their chances for success. Specifically, if a child becomes easily distracted, then a visually limiting study carrel (one teacher calls it “the office”) may assist this child to stay focused on the paper at hand. Teaching this child to make a visor with his hands over his eyes and his thumbs squeezed in his ears may help him to keep noise and visual distractions to a minimum while he reads or works on assignments. Teaching this child to work in brief bursts of focused energy may help him to concentrate intensely followed by a reward of looking around or stretching. Some kids do well with isometric exercises in combination with doing their schoolwork. This gives them permission for quiet, but invisible, activity channeling some necessary stimulation into their systems. This child may press his hands together across his chest or pull up on his chair seat while pressing down with his legs during reading or listening. No one may notice this “wise” use of energy, but it keeps him occupied and in his seat rather than rocking back, annoying a neighbor, or jumping up impulsively. Observe and congratulate him when he accomplishes goals of short periods of time without being disruptive. Experiment to see if he performs better with music or television during homework.

Take a couple pipe cleaners to church. He can manipulate these quietly without disturbing others. If (when) he drops it, no noise. Amazingly, he will be able to retell more of the sermon even though he’s been “busy” making things. Parents please realize that this child needs affirmation and praise for his efforts as this quiet behavior takes an enormous amount of energy for him. Some respond well to brisk, touching stimulation as a sort of reward and therapy. Giving him a quick hug combined with a few swift firm strokes of your hand up and down their arms or back, seems to rub off the frizzles or rearrange a few nerve-ending pathways. You can teach kids to do that for themselves if it proves a helpful technique.

Buried within many of these techniques is idea of helping them discover acceptable ways to self-stimulate. Give your child and yourself freedom to think of creative ways to be busy without getting in trouble. Try to invent positive things they “can” do rather than a list of things they “can’t” do. For example, saying, “Hold your hands behind your back” may be more effective for helping him keep his hands to himself than telling him to quit fidgeting (poking, clapping, tickling or flicking). For these active ADD children, I always beg the teacher to not punish them by taking away active recess. Rather, the teacher can assign jumping jacks, jump rope, headstands, somersaults, pushups, and wall ball; anything that will expend some pent up energy. Otherwise that quiet, confined recess only stores up more energy likely to be discharged inappropriately later in the day. If they tend to be pushy and pokey with other kids, teach them to work on their vertical, (basketball talk for jumping high). Even though that may be distracting, if they spend time playing “pogo,” maybe they will annoy classmates less. Music, athletics and hobbies are constructive ways to help channel energy.

(“Relationships” questions can be sent to Craig and Arla Ford, 3803 Vista Court, North Bend, OR 97459; or e-mail to the Fords at counsel@charter.net or by going to their Web site at www.craigandarla.com. Questions cannot be answered individually.)